


A Tale of Dark Lightening; Surviving the Absence of Light

by beauty_love_stardust



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Complicated Relationships, Dark, Depression, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Heavy Angst, Kissing, Love/Hate, Lust, Manipulative Relationship, Past Abuse, Power Dynamics, Protection, Psychological Torture, Rough Kissing, Rough Sex, Sex, Smut, Time Shenanigans, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-22
Updated: 2019-02-28
Packaged: 2019-11-03 18:37:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17883137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beauty_love_stardust/pseuds/beauty_love_stardust
Summary: I’m out of place in this ever changing timeline...They might have saved the likes of Savitar, but his existence is far from what he wishes it could be.





	1. Part 1; The Demented Coping Mechanism

_Part 1; The Demented Coping Mechanism_

 

* * *

 

> _Many times I see you_
> 
> _as a portrait of torture._

 

* * *

 

 

I **_am_** darkness. Hate. Pride. All the darkness Barry has ever possessed poured in to who I am.

Savitar.

Created in darkness; in desperation for the sole purpose of death itself.

Barry never cared for me. No one that was meant to love me, cared an inch for me.

I was created for death, borne of his hate—his scorn for the world at large. For Savitar—for me.

His pain, is my pain. His hatred, also mine. But although I retain every childhood memory, every second of the life we’ve led; no one sees me for who I am.

Only as his discernible double.

An unwanted copy.

Oh, and then there is Iris.

Hazelnut skin, plush sensual petals, loving, gentle kisses. Every burn; every ache of Barry’s desire ails my memory. Sears my skin.

I’ve refused to break—crack—under the pressure as Barry himself did. Refused to become the pitiful creature that mourns her touches. Her love.

Because she never loved me. Only him.

I’m a part of him, darkness, bone, blood. An indiscernible copy; but disdain is how they look upon me.

Although they saved me from being erased from the planet—I’m still not one of them.

And I’m not Iris’ love.

Chocolate brown optics eye me with wariness. Shifting downward when I enter a room. Casting me aside, because already she has him.

Barry. _Her_ Barry.

And though I won’t let it break me; I do feel it.

Lust.

Burning aches that flame to life with one shifted glance in my direction. I retain his memories from one night previous.

Sprawled against cotton sheets, thighs splayed lewdly, skin basked in sweat, kisses of his meeting apex of hers. Moans. Pleas. Ecstasy.

I can’t prevent the memories that flood in. Flashing beneath heavy eyelids as they are cemented into history. Carbon copied into the darkest recesses of my cranium.

One glimpse at her, and all seductive impulses flare to life. Jealousy scours my innards, as my skin burns.

Sipping the steaming cup of black coffee, I let the burn scorch my throat. Hoping to sear away even a portion of the disdain I feel.

When those dark pools meet my scalded features, they almost immediately shift back away. The object of my affections—Barry’s affections—can’t even look at me.

I still recall that one instance where she did. That tender caress over my burns. Soft promises to help me. I seethe at the weaknesses she invokes. I despise myself for returning to Jitters. Sipping this coffee. Black as my soul.

Barry is pure. He is light. Warmth. Joy.

Of course Iris can’t relate to this copy. I leer at her, watching her type. Keys tapping on the sleek-black laptop. Various news stories always being tracked down by her. My counterpart was at work. I could glimpse the memories. Long hours of paperwork, collectively accomplished in his lab.

I’m out of place in this ever changing timeline. I feel the disorganization of my thoughts. The pull towards Iris, is strongest after nights she was intimate with my counterpart.

I feel the loss of her more resolutely.

I find the coffee is refusing to succeed in its task of neutralizing these urges, this morning. It was a long shot that it might have ever worked. But I was fucking desperate.

Instead, it boosted my images of Barry’s memories. I remind myself that I hold the advantages. I can see his memories, but he cannot in turn view mine.

I approached her table. Taking it upon myself to have a seat. I see a smile form on her lips, believing me to be Barry—it wipes clean off her face when she meets with my scarred visage.

“Barry.” She uses that name. Let’s it glide off her tongue in singular coldness. She refuses to speak the name I choose for myself. She’s made a point of using Barry, every time we speak.

“That’s not my name.” I snap.

“Yes it is, Barry. It’s the name your parents gave you. It’s what I’ve always called you.” Using soft tones, her hand grazes the back of mine, where it rested on the table’s surface.

I jerked it back like I was shot. The jolt of electricity that surged between us was almost magnetic. It made the fiery burn inside of me ignite with a vengeance.

“It’s what you call **_him_** , when you spread your legs for **_him_** each night. As **_his_** wife.” I countered, sparking a flush to heat her cheeks.

“I…That’s not…Barry…” I had never seen her at a loss for words. It felt like a miniature victory to finally make her just as reaching for words as my counterpart was.

“I retain all of his memories. I remember how you cried out his name last night. How you came around his cock. I felt it, just as though I was there with you.” My jealousy roared its ugly head. Rejoicing in the opportunity to make Iris squirm in apparent discomfort.

Another impossible task I overcame, was witnessing their wedding. Forming the memories, retaining the information, but harboring none of the rewards that came with those memories. Instead I was left with this hollow, emptiness, that made me bitter towards the world. Towards everyone in it.

“Stop! Just stop, Barry!” Finally, gathering her bearings she snapped at me.

The fire that I— ** _he_** —so loved about her, came out against me, and it stung. Just as every other interaction between us, always had.

“You married us both, Iris. That is what you never seem able to understand.” I saw a simmer of something unreadable in her optics. But she made no attempt at further conversation.

Returning her attention to her news article, I stood from the table, storming from Jitters.

_///_

 

I still retained space in the darkened confines of the beaten-down—abandoned—factory that I always have. It’s the most like home I can find in this place.

My suit mounted in one corner where it can be tinkered with easily; a tiny mattress, accompanied with a pile of blankets donned the other. Piled under the blankets was the only being that could stomach to be with me.

I shed my coat, slung it over the work table, scattered with odds and ends.

Filled with discontentment—with lust—I collided my lips with hers. Tangling our tongues, she opened for me. Icy fingers curled into my biceps. Latching onto the muscles. I bit her lower lip. Sucking it into my mouth, inciting a moan.

I wasted no time with my clothes. Freeing my swollen prick, I rammed home inside of her. Meeting the usual chill that revved up my spine. I rutted with abandon. I know she likes it rough.

The opposite of what Iris found with Barry.

I want to be his opposite. In every way.

Spine arching in a perfect spectacle, breasts jutting lewdly upwards, I took the opportunity to suck one of her teats between my lips. Biting with projected roughness right down on the nub. The chill of ice flowed just over my skin. Right where she touched.

I reveled in her loss of control—even over her powers.

The scent of our coupling permeated the air, as I met the back of her entrance.

Every raw, torturous memory of Iris underneath Barry, I overcame with these shared moments. Although my counterpart would never admit to it, there have always been feelings for Caitlin rattling within his subconscious.

He’d deny them—but they were there.

And she is all I have.

Rather, Caitlin, and Killer Frost.

I accept them—as they are.

Killer Frost scares those Caitlin calls friends.

Unpredictable. Edgy moods. Frigid cold streams right from her fingertips.

I’ve accepted all of her.

I desire all images of Iris scourged from my mind. Why did I even go near her? Why did I try? The answer I know deep down, is I want the darkness to ebb away.

The hate. The fear. The loss.

But it’s permanent inside of me. It’s what created me. And I can’t change the pain—the rampage that led to my creation.

I felt the white hot surge of pleasure. Of release. It overcame my numbness. The block I’ve built in my mind. It surpassed all agony. Only for an instant.

I collapsed in a heap on top of her. Trembling against the coldness of her skin. Basking in the sheen of ice decorating small patches of my chest.

“What do I have to thank for this wake-up call, Handsome? Did Barry, and Iris have another rendezvous this morning?” Echoing tones emerged to fill the void in the darkened cavern.

Heaving breaths proceeded as the graze of warm lips touched the ice of her skin. “Do I need a reason to have my way with you?” I countered, always with my guard up.

“Mmm, Yes, And it’s always Iris.” Skin prickling in sudden irritation I righted myself, retracting from inside her. Doing up the zipper on my jeans, I lowered my ridden up shirt. I am the darkness. And I don’t like to be seen in the light.

“Whatever.” Frustration prickled through me. Decimating any inkling of relief attained from the moment.

Taking long strides towards my suit, I began to tinker with it. Over time, with use, the suit needed restorations. It was a lengthy process, but also time consuming enough to help lessen the constant stream of altered memories.

“C’mon, Baby, Don’t be like that…Do you want me to get Caitlin? Maybe she can make you feel better?”

I ignored her. Focusing instead on the task at hand. I hated these constant weaknesses. Strains on who I wanted to be, instead of who I am. Barry had everything. Iris. Friends. Family. A future.

I was an unwanted echo. A taint no one could be free of.

I had Caitlin; but she wasn’t Iris. No one was Iris.

That was most frustrating of all. Although I had feelings for Caitlin, obtained through Barry’s own emotions—they weren’t nearly as powerful as those towards Iris.

This life I have—it’s a cruel reflection of what I crave. Caitlin being a cheap replacement for the woman I love. Every time that realization settles in, I sink further into the darkness, in order to overcome it.

Today, I see those warm, inviting lips. Guarded, inquisitive stare. Feel that quick, earth-shattering touch to my hand’s back. I hate her. I love her.

I can never prevent what I feel. What I know. It’s everywhere—It’s a part of me.

“What did Killer Frost do this time?” The warm entwine of Caitlin’s arms around my middle startled me. The tool clattered to the concrete, echoing hollowing through the dark space.

Caitlin was delicate. Gentle. Fractured. Everything Killer Frost was not.

Despite detaching from Barry, I retained the comradeship felt for Caitlin specifically. Barry is a protector of hers; as much as Killer Frost is. It would break her heart if I told her the war inside of me. Affections I can’t rid myself of, for Iris. More potent, than those affections I retain for her. Even I am not so heartless as to break a woman, already plagued by the death of her husband. And tricked by a literal psychopath. The delicate construct of her psyche might not survive another tragedy.

I turn.

Face to face with gentle, trusting optics—I cave.

A robe thankfully hid away her decency. I swallowed the thickness that rose in my throat.

I cup the rosy-pink of her cheek. Let a kiss transpire between us.

“Nothing that need concern you. Just a disagreement.” I downplay the severity.

She trusts me. Blindly. I’ve earned that trust through uncharacteristic kindness. Caitlin is a secondary weakness to Iris. Albeit, benevolent. Still a weakness through, and through.

“Did she not please you, between the sheets?” I felt the most lascivious of earthly impulses, drawn back towards the surface with her inquisitions. And I once more despised the un-god-like basics of what I cannot seem to overcome engulf me.

It helped far less, when delectable digits sought out my weakest male muscle. To tease it back to erectness.

“It’s not…that….” I struggled to form coherent words. Muscled arms entwining round Caitlin’s midsection. Memorizing her unique scent, I suckled her neck. Caitlin I could bruise. Mark. Tease. She retains human afflictions. And that I savor in shared moments, such as these.

“Then forget your suit for now. Come back to bed. Please.” Her coaxing outweighed the sinister bits of my outward armor. And I allowed her entwined fingers with mine, to guide me back to the lumpy springs of our shared sleeping oasis.


	2. Part 2; The Widening Crack in Defenses

_Part 2; The Widening Crack in Defenses_

 

* * *

 

 

> _I love everything about you._
> 
> _Except the fact that you’re not_
> 
> **_mine_ ** _._

* * *

 

 

I awaken to the warm press of Caitlin’s skin to the bareness of my form. All day—right into the evening—was a blur. Tangled in the throes of passion. Arms. Legs. Intertwined together.

Sound awoke me. Rather—altering memories did.

Uncertain expressions written into Iris’ features. Hasty excuses from her lips. An evident dishonesty in illusive, black optics. The click of a closing door. Rattle of keys.

I knew where she was headed.

Uncoiling my arm from around Caitlin’s midriff, I stood. Sped into my clothes, right out into the vacant parking lot.

One vehicle drove up onto the asphalt, parking askew between the faded white lines of a parking space.

The driver’s door swung open. The firm click of heels approached me. Not a flicker of fear in conflicted eyes.

“Iris.” I greeted, giving nothing away in the iciness of my tone. I would never let her view the instability she stirs in my judgment when we share alone time together.

There is a dangerous balance she threatens when she challenges me with her unparalleled wit, and tenacity.

“Have you reconsidered your animosity towards me, Iris?” I know her mind well. By challenging her singular marriage to my counterpart, I drove a rift between her moral compass, and vows.

She stood before god and country with a promise to love Barry. Accept him. All of Barry. And by extension, I am still Barry to her. Time remnant or otherwise.

She regarded me with unreadable eyes. Refusing to be shocked by my boldness.

“What is it you desire from me, Barry?” Breaking the extended silence at last.

I felt my skin prickle at the use of that name again. I despised it more than she could ever fathom.

“Desire from you?” I trained my eyes on hers. Attempting to hide the searing ache that ruled my innards at the slight whiff of her perfume, on the wind.

“You remind me every chance you get, that you are a part of Barry. Yet, you do not wish me to call you by that name. You can’t be Barry, and Savitar. And you can’t both be the man I sleep next to at night.” I felt as though she drove a knife into my chest. Shredding my heart. Even though the words she spoke were not set apart from what I was already aware of.

She isn’t **_my_** Iris. She is **_his_**.

I let the eerie quiet of night swirl around us. My analytical mind scouring the memories I clung to of her. And I also thought of Caitlin. Tucked unknowingly between my bedsheets, as I conversated with the one woman I could never shake; just outside.

There was loyalty I felt towards Caitlin. Necessity, when she gave me comfort. She accepts me, as I accept her. The same can’t be said for Iris. Iris can never accept me as her true lover—or even as a lover at all. But I cannot escape these treacherous human emotions for her.

They plague me. I can’t admit it out loud, but they always have.

My eyes darken. Nails dig into my palms as I squeeze my fists tight.

“Then why did you come here, Iris?” I decided upon a different approach. I called her on her actions.

“If you feel nothing for me…If I repulse you…” I unclenched my fists. Dared to lift a hand. Grazed the ebony skin of her cheek. Feeling the smoothness underneath my touch. She shuddered underneath the weight of it. I struggled not to do the same. “Why did you lie to him, to come here?”

I drew upon the memories I retained from my counterpart. Her apparent lies. Her nervous expression. As though she knew she were about to betray him.

She couldn’t answer—or wouldn’t answer. But I detected the battle in her eyes. Felt the fierceness of her inner-war. I had her on the precipice. One more move. One more chess piece into place—and she would falter.

I tingled with the pride of this moment. The first real faltering I stirred in Iris. I had to take advantage.

This might be my only chance.

I inched lower. Captured her smooth, honey-tasting petals. Drank in her scent. Used my free arm to draw her clad to my front. She made no move to push me away. Instead—she sank into the stolen kiss. Timid fingers brushed the forever-scorched skin of my cheek. Grazed just over rough skin; underneath ruined remains of my milky-white eye.

That simple touch ignited that same flame inside of me from Jitters. It burned. Engulfed. Overcame.

I hated her for my weaknesses. **_Fuck_**.

I **_loved_** her.

Memories of the childhood we shared taunted me. Encapsulating all I was. Images of nights spent with her ‘ _true’_ husband undid me. I could give her a rougher side to love. A less timid approach than my counterpart. I am a _god_. Barry refuses to embrace his rabid side. His domineering impulses. I don’t.

Iris pressed nearer. As though granting me permission with body language to satiate our lusts. her curiosities.

I complied.

I sped her into the shield of her SUV. I couldn’t risk Caitlin coming to find me. I knew when it was all over—Iris would likely return to Barry. And without Caitlin—I’d be alone. I couldn’t let her see this wanton display of uncontainable, pent-up emotions taking hold.

This one instance in time burned right down through the icy layer of denial I built around the chambers of my heart. Melted the deception in me. Mellowed out my bitterness towards Barry—towards Iris. She made no effort to struggle as impatient fingers stripped the navy sweater from limber shoulders. Nor as I, greedily kissed hot, wet trails across the base of her clavicle. Rather, lean limbs parted to accommodate me between quivering thighs. Glossed lips parted in soft cries, as those same impatient fingers met her apex. Vibrating her sensitive bits. Especially seeking attention from her pleasure button through silk panties.

I practically burst from the tight confinement of denim hugging my hips. Nimble fingers unlatched the button, hastily dragging down the zipper. Once freed from the confining fabric I wasted no time in mauling her swelling petals with my own. Teeth clashing together—I fought steadily for dominance.

She would never be a match for me.

Disconnecting her searching lips from mine, I hovered near her ear. Tasting my victory in the air. “Let me show you, why **_I_** should be your _only_ husband.”

I saw a brief flicker of confusion cross over her features. It was quick to disappear, when I used my speed to shed all remaining clothes between us. Our forms bare. And with impatience—I entered her. The hot, moist place, swallowed my length. Used to my size—my girth—she fit me like a glove. Unyielding, squeezing me. I lost conscious thought.

I wanted to ravage her. Show her what Barry denied her. What only a **_God_** could give.

My fingers rejoined her apex. Vibrating her swollen clitoris. Near on screams of pleasure tore from her arcing throat. I took a puckered-dusky nipple between my teeth. Biting. Sucking. Flicking. Until she screamed with the pleasure.

I assaulted her senses from every angle. Years of practice—my younger counterpart did not yet have—granted me staying power. My counterpart always spent in her within minutes. I learned to savor the urges. Curbing them for the sake of heightened pleasure.

I knew Iris’ body well. Her erogenous zones. Weak spots. I played her like a finely tuned instrument. Losing track at her fifth orgasm—of just how many I gave.

She withered. Dug firm nails into my shoulder blades. Marking me without realizing it. She was past conscious thought. I know Barry has never given her this level of pleasure. Never.  I was leaving bruises. Bite marks. Evidence on her sweating skin.

Her eyes rolled back; another shuddering orgasm washing over her. And she screamed. This time—it was my name.

“Savitar!”

I couldn’t be sure if she was even aware what she’d screamed. The permeation of sex scented the car. And I finally fell apart. Ropes of seed spilling into her. Filling her entrance—marking her. Another risk Barry refused to take with her.

They weren’t trying for offspring yet. But I hardly cared for Barry’s weakness.

We laid afterwards. Sprawled on the seat, ignoring the steamed windows of the SUV. Our heightened breathing all that could be heard for several minutes.

Once regained I saw that same struggle in her hues. Felt her shift uncomfortably from the crook of my arm. Regretful eyes coupling with mine.

“This was your plan all along…Wasn’t it?” Harsh accusations skirted from her petals.

I made no move to join her in an upright position. Instead I lazed against the leather. Letting the emerald pools of mine—meet darkened optics of hers.

“What was?” I feigned ignorance.

“Confusing me. Seducing me. You just wanted me to cheat on him.”

I was thankful for her ignorance. Perhaps more than I should have been. Even though a part of me felt the stab of loss again. If I traveled this path; I might never have another night with her. I bit back a retort for several instances. Finally, I righted myself. Intentionally pulling on my clothes in slow, human speed.

I decided to confirm nothing.

“I don’t know what you are speaking of.” Coolly, I let my hopeful spirit return to the bitterness that otherwise consumed it.

Felt the misery seep right back into my bones as I opened the car door. I stepped into the fresh, cold air, just outside. Taking in the breeze upon my face. It lashed my skin. Punishing my prideful ways. I couldn’t let her in further. Not emotionally. I wouldn’t let her know, she wielded the power to break me.

“Your soul truly is black. Do you even feel at all? Barry feels so deeply. You even make love cold. Brutally. I should never have come here.” Each insult hurt beyond imagining. “I should have known better than to believe you could ever love anyone—but yourself.”

She came apart more times than I could count. Kissed my lips with similar passion as she did with him. Stole my breath. Kicked up my emotions. I truly believed she reveled in the sexual gratification I provided her.

Now I realized. She only wanted the softness Barry could give. **_Her_** Barry.

She cared nothing for the roughened edges of this Barry. Of **_Savitar_**.

 _I am darkness_. I reminded myself silently _. Brutality. A God._

_God’s can’t be loved. They are feared._

I hardened my features. Let the love— _pride_ —the gratification seep away. Replaced instead with the ever-present jealousy. Anger.  

“You’re right. I only wanted to make you cheat on him. Now I’ve done that I have no further use of you. I’m **not** Barry. I’m **_Savitar_**. I feel nothing for you, Iris. I can’t love. Go home to **_your_** Barry. Go back to the love, and softness you so desire in him.  That is…If he will have you now that I’ve marked you in my brutality.” I forced a cruel smile. “Leave me be.” I lashed out at her. Spitting out mean, spiteful things.

I wanted the embarrassment to leave me. The humanity. The **_rejection_**.

I wanted it gone.

I wanted **_her_** gone.

She made me weak. Vulnerable. I didn’t like it. I never would.

I turned from her. Leaving her naked. Marked from head to toe in bruises. I sped back to the comfort of my sleeping place.

Stripped once more of clothing. I nestled in close to Caitlin. A few tears rolling down either cheek. The only sign that a piece of **_her_** Barry might still have been inside of me. Until Iris snuffed him out—with the final straw of rejection.

To know she saw me as cold—unfeeling. Did a number. I could never erase that disgust in her gaze. I felt filthy. I was filthy. Did I feel? I wished to god I couldn’t. I gave her everything I have. It wasn’t enough. I’ll never be enough. I’m a carbon copy of Barry. I’m without **_his_** soul. Retaining memories is not enough.

I felt Caitlin shift. I tensed, but she did not wake.

I was soulless.

I cheated on Caitlin with Iris. I betrayed her trust. Her devotion.

I betrayed both of the women I loved.

Love.

All of the retained memories of Barry, account for my love of Caitlin. Of Iris. I suppose by extension these feelings are also pseudo-manifestations of Barry’s emotions. Without his memories I would be a hollowed-out shell. Unfeeling. Unreal. I’m not him. And I can’t love. Not truly.

I hated my visage—my body—and not for the first time.

A few more tears fell—as I swore of human weaknesses for Iris—indefinitely.

I winced as I felt the memories change. Barry saw Iris. Tears of regret in chocolate optics. Pleas of forgiveness filling the air. Admitting the night spent with me. **_My_** seduction. **_My_** treachery. Explained her confusion. Her willingness to test the waters. Most potent of all—Barry’s forgiveness.

Wrapping warm, understanding arms around her. Providing that soothing, gentle touch. Accepting her apology. Bathing her to erase traces of me. To erase **_my_** filth from precious skin.

Then the worst imaginable torture.

His promise to erase my rough, callousness from her memories. Taking her to their marital bed. Flesh meeting. Binding. Their moans. Equaled to each other. Passion I didn’t give her. Gentility. Devotion.

I wanted it to stop. The memories. But the altered factoids seeped in. I felt the familiar ache. Every time they made love. I burned with the memory of it.

I couldn’t prevent the tears. The mourning. I couldn’t stop these weaknesses. Not this time. I broke the rest of the way.

Iris broke me.

It wasn’t only that I wasn’t good enough. It’s that she shared our sacred night—with him.

She wanted **_me_** erased.

Sweet, caring, empathetic, loving, Iris—couldn’t find room in her heart, for a broken man.

A counterpart of her husband.

She couldn’t see—that ** _I_** loved her too. Despite defensive, guarded words—I **_can_** feel. Despite the darkness. I loved her the only way ** _I_** could.

And now, even Barry knows I am inadequate. It was the final humiliation. The final failure.

I sought comfort. The only place I could.

Planting a kiss to the curve of Caitlin’s jaw, I nuzzled her neck. Hot, wet tears fell freely. I splayed her thighs. Bent her open—and took. I was brutal. Darkness, as Iris accused. I wasn’t gentle. I drew out Killer Frost in my brutality. But I needed to maim. I needed to decimate. And Caitlin was too sweet. Too gentle—for this side of me.

“Another rendezvous?” Killer Frost teased. I was in no mood.

I gave a punishing kiss. Biting her lower lip in warning. She seemed bemused. But took the hint. Letting me finish in silence. Letting me take as I always did. Letting my darkness claim all of me. For countless hours—until exhausted—I fell into haunted dreams of Iris.


	3. Part 3; The Punishing Breakage of Faith

_Part 3; The Punishing Breakage of Faith_

* * *

 

 

> _This is why I lock away my emotions._
> 
> _Because once I set them free,_
> 
> _I fall hard._
> 
> _I end up falling with no one there_
> 
> _to catch me._
> 
> _So, I crash into the pavement._
> 
> _Broken and alone._

* * *

 

 

Eyes cracking open; limbs tangled together—I felt the familiar body pressed warm against my side. Caitlin having reclaimed the forefront of her consciousness, sometime in the night. Pure self-loathing crept in. The weight of last night still cornered in my mind. Trapped. Torturing me.

Conflict raged war inside of me. I felt poorly for Caitlin. The fear I invoked in her eyes that brought out Killer Frost. I’d never ravaged Caitlin quite like that previously.

Caitlin is gentle. Kind. She couldn’t handle the brutality that Killer Frost could. I knew that. But somewhere, subconsciously something broke within me. I lacked the wherewithal to care. Fingers skimped through strands of ruffled hair. Tears dried on pale cheeks.

Depression hit hard. I thought I was through with emotional downfalls when I became Savitar.

I was wrong.

Despite hollowing out inside, I couldn’t shake Iris’ decimation of my confidence.

It was cruel to go to Barry. Knowing I retained every memory. Understanding I would feel every kiss. Touch. Whisper. As though I were making those memories myself.

She’d called me soulless. Cold. Unloving.

And I sense it. There in my bones.

The truth of such hurtful words.

She called my love making—brutal. And it stung. Roughness gave untold pleasure to my skin. Satiated the demons that haunt me, always.

I wish she could see. Understand.

I watched her die in an alternate timeline. When I came into existence, I was burdened with the crushing weight of Barry’s own guilt. **_Our_** guilt. Not being able to save her. Loving her more than air. More than life. It changed Barry as a whole. Ironed out his weaknesses. Made a rugged shape of a man. I was birthed from a broken Barry.  Not sweet, loving, Barry. At least, not as she knows him.

I can never be that.

I don’t remember how.

Altered memories began to come through. I’d managed to block them, in my exhaustion. Suddenly—I wished I hadn’t—I surged to my feet.

Too late.

Lifted from the bed, I slammed—hard—into the rough concrete of the ground. I drew a breath—and was strangled. Rough. Angered hands held me fast against the thick wall.

Heart racing, I stared into the eyes of my attacker.

“B-Barry.” The name came out in rasps. My breath nearly impossible to catch. Fingers latching, grappling to detach his. But I was weaker than my counterpart.

Without the protection of my suit—I was no match.

With only one good eye—and a body that was older by nearly ten years than his—I was useless.

“Iris is mine, Savitar! How dare you touch her! How dare you hurt her!” I strained for breath.

Eye traveling to the bed I shared with Caitlin. I recognized the confusion of sleep, still on her features. Wakened so rudely from the precipice of sleep. I never told Caitlin about my pull to Iris. She believed herself to be the only one. And I pleaded with my one good eye for Barry not to do this. Not to take the only person I had left.

But I strained against the wall. The iron-clad grip—held me fast.

“Caitlin?” I saw confusion shadow Barry’s eyes. Followed almost immediately by realization.

“Barry? What are you…doing here? Put him down!” She came to my defense, realizing I was locked in his grasp.

Delicately she covered her decency from his curious gaze. Realizing she was still undressed from the night previous. “I should ask you the same! I thought you left…You said you were leaving…” Momentarily, I was forgotten—though still held fast to the wall—as his attention shifted to Caitlin.

Guilty eyes lowered from Barry’s. Refusing to answer him.

“You’re shacking up with this leech?!” I attempted to fight from his grip. He slammed me once more, against the wall. Stunned. The wind was knocked from my lungs. I choked on the air.

“Please…Please! Don’t hurt him!” Caitlin begged. Tears in her eyes. I took note of the beginnings of Killer Frost in her irises.

“He hurt Iris! He deserves this! He seduced my wife!” Anger seethed from every syllable. I shuddered. I saw shock litter Caitlin’s expression.

“No…He wouldn’t do that. He hasn’t touched Iris!” Caitlin defended.

I recovered a bit of strength. Kicking out with my legs, I sent Barry flying across the room. I sped towards my suit. But I wasn’t fast enough. I felt Barry grip my shoulder. And fling me forward. I met the concrete floor. Blood seeping from my busted lip. Desperately I searched for help—for anything—but I was pinned by the bulk of Barry’s weight.

“He did, Caitlin!” I felt him hover near my blind side. Whispering harshly within the shell of my ear. “You ever touch her again—and I will do much worse than this.”

I struggled. Scrabbling at the concrete with my nails. I felt them break. Bleed. Tear. And then severe agony tore through my spine. The weight of a punch. And I screamed. Blinded by shame. Agony. Pain.

I laid there. Helpless. Tears shed down my cheeks. Head hung in defeat.

“Savitar!” I heard Caitlin scream. Felt ice blast through the open spaces. Barry was already speeding away. I saw the altered memory.

Felt his hatred for me returned. He believed me an irredeemable, repulsive monster. Just like Iris. Like Caitlin now must.

I was no longer stuck by the cruel grip of my tormentor. But I knew what he’d done. I felt his intent in the memories.

He’d broken my back.

The Speed Force was rarely on my side. After all I’d done. All the laws I’d broken. I was unforgivable. Barry harbored the advantage. He retained speed that I could only dream of. He had the burning strength of Iris by his side. A beacon of light. Of hope, in those he called friends.

I had no one.

I felt the claws gripping my heart. I had no reason to fight. Not anymore.

Perhaps I let him win. I let him strip me of my dignity—Whatever remained of my light.

I swiped my eyes. Wiped the tears with trembling fingers. Felt the touch of cold hands. Brush of amiable digits over my crown.

“I’ll get Caitlin.” Echoing tones subsided as the warmth of Caitlin grazed my cheek.

It hurt to breathe. To struggle—even to move. I felt nothing in my legs. My spinal cord was severed. I retained the memory of Zoom breaking Barry’s back. It felt like this.

Just like this.

I couldn’t face her. Refused to lift my head—even to look into her eyes. I didn’t want to see the pain that resided there. Planted there by my betrayal.

Straining. Grunting. She dragged me to our oasis. I felt her strip away my clothes. She worked with quiet complacency. Sympathy ever dominant in those optics. Caitlin was too gentle. Too kind. And I was rough. Monstrous.

Every breath, rumbled my chest. I labored to breathe. Temperature soared into the hundreds. My battered body, strained to repair. To heal. Caitlin curled alongside of me. Fingers turning my cheek. Forced to view her—I swallowed.

“Is it true?” Vocals crackled. Tears rimmed either eye. I recognized her pain. Once, I might have even reveled in it. Now, I only felt worse. Sweet. Loving. Caitlin. She didn’t deserve my torn emotions. Tattered. Reaching heart. No one did.

“I ache for her Caitlin. I can’t make the memories subside. She’s **_our_** wife. **_Barry’s_** wife.” I forced myself to correct the words. Discontentment written into my heart.

I felt the brush of her thumb. It grazed my cheek. “You think I didn’t know about, Iris?” I startled. Eyes wide. “You’re still, Barry. He’ll always love Iris.” I shuddered as she echoed Iris’ words.

“I love you, too. Barry has always loved you, too.” I let that truth sink in. Perplexed. Her eyebrows drew together.

“Barry does?”

I nodded. I felt the agonizing discomfort of my injury. Even that same realization that Caitlin would never trust me again.

“He does.” I confirmed.

“You should rest. You’re going to need it, Savitar.” Rounded. Sympathetic eyes bore into mine. I severed the connection. Reaching up, I retracted her touch from my cheek.

I made it clear. I deserved no comfort. This punishment was warranted for Iris’ suffering. Disagreement prompted in her gaze; I turned my head.

It was not long until I was drawn back into the darkened pulls—of slumber.

I felt the strain in Caitlin’s view of me. The loss of trust. Of our shared oasis. Depression came harsher with the next dawn. Caitlin coaxed food into me. It became a chore to eat. Food tasted like coal on my tongue. I lost the contents of my stomach—to the waste bin—so often. I lost count.

I suffered. Just as Barry wanted.

When altered memories would trickle in—I had no outlet to avoid them.

I didn’t work between my thighs. I felt phantom burns—aches—but pleasure couldn’t break through. I saw light in Iris’ dark optics. Heard giggles. Pleasure. Happiness. Barry gave her all that.

The evening of suffering I gave her—was forgotten in the joy.

I stared wistfully at my suit. Taunting me from across the room. I couldn’t feel my legs. Not for three days.

I languished in suffering all that time. Caitlin a hovering force all around me. Killer Frost would bite into me, with unkind words. She wouldn’t forgive what I’d done to Caitlin. The wreckage I’d left in my wake.

This day was no different—my spirts were lower. I could move my legs. Walking—I proved inept at. Wobbling. I fell to my hands, and knees. Struggling. Clutching. I strained to collapse back against soft sheets.

“Pathetic. I don’t know what Caitlin still sees in you.” Echoing vocals quipped through the air. Chipping away at my pride.

Clenching my teeth—I averted emerald optics. Knuckles turning white they bound so hard into fists.

I gave no response. Teeth biting into my lesser lip. Drawing blood.

Another memory assaulted my mind. Crimson dress hugging her frame. Soft comforting laughter. Loose, romantic kisses. Such love poured off of Barry. Anticipation. Craving. Lust. I nearly tasted Iris’ lips. Nearly cried from the impulses. Their anniversary. They were wed a year ago—today.

Barely reaching for the bin in time. I heaved. Losing whatever was inside my stomach. Wiping chapped lips, with the back of a coarse hand. I quivered.

“Leave me alone.” Weak. Almost pleading tones, escaped.

“Why should I? Hm? You’re like a pathetic little boy. Wallowing in pity.” Snapping vocals rose.

And I hated her. If only because she was right.

“Then leave! If I disgust you…If I…If you hate me so much! Leave me in peace!” I hurled aggravated words at her.

“What fun would that be? Hm? You deserve to feel as bad as Caity does. You deserve to suffer.” Icy words, preceded an Icy blast. The skin of my arm froze. Right down to the bone.

I sobbed out in agony. Curling in on myself. Anything to make it stop. I wanted it to stop. Assaulted from all angles—It couldn’t be worse. First by memories—then by Killer Frost. The will that once was iron-clad—weakened further.

Clutching the frozen limb. I vibrated it. Reuniting the warmth, with my nerve-endings.

“Pathetic.” She muttered. I heard the click of high heels—signifying her leaving me in peace.

I swiped angrily at hot tears. Skin prickling with contempt for my life. For the bitterness of all I knew—But could never have.

And most of all—For Iris.

The woman I love—that can never love me back.

**Author's Note:**

> Another story that will have various parts. I don't know how long I plan for this one to be either. Expect at least 5 parts, perhaps more, depending on where the muses take me.


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